Envy and Jealousy

Our family is our refuge and strength. We feel better and secure when we are with them. That is why there are those who stay nearby where their family is, because just the thought that they are not that far in distance from each other brings enough comfort that they have someone they can turn to any time for any thing. Family gatherings are the most special times where all members of the family are present and enjoying wonderful moments together. It is also a time of long chats getting to know what’s new in each other’s lives, upcoming plans, accomplishments and projects. Sometimes it sounds as if they are bragging to show how well they do without thinking that sometimes how they express their pride is undermining others. Being proud of your loved ones, your achievements and accomplishments are not bad because you deserve them. It takes hard work to attain something that would give you such stature and reputation. However, the manner of sharing them with other family members should be done with utmost care that you don’t offend others especially those who are underachievers and are going through a tough time in their life. Surely they are happy for you and proud because you will be bringing the family name to a better stature but they are also human beings who can develop envy and jealousy at some point especially when they feel insecure and low. Depending on the manner of how you share your wonderful blessings; you can either worsen it to ill feelings or you can chill the heat of unfavorable emotions and thoughts due to a developing envy and jealousy. There are those who may say that it is not their fault that they are doing better compared to others, they shouldn’t feel bad of what they have just because some people around them are having less. Yes that is true, but a little consideration and sensitivity to humble yourself a bit will not diminish what you have achieved.

But there are moments, although it is rare to hear in an occasional family gathering, where family members share things about them other than the good sides of their life. Sometimes family members can’t help but share the not so good happenings in their life too as they may find the occasion an opportunity to share their misery with hopes of sympathy from loved ones. No one has it all, they say. There are moments when a person can no longer contain what’s bothering him/her and one just needs someone to talk to about it. It may not necessarily be for the purpose of gaining sympathy or soliciting assistance but to at least get understanding and emotional strength to go through their troubled time most especially from their family. This is also the moment when we have to give further respect and be sensitive to their feelings. Better yet, perhaps it is best not to open up about your blessings for the mean time unless asked about it. Let it unfold and be known to others on its own. But if you hardly could keep it, at least make it a point not to sound so boastful.

Being envious and jealous of others seem to be part of human nature. It is from the drop of jealousy and envy that we draw our ambitions and goals in life. From the tiny drop of envy and jealousy we develop admiration and inspiration. If used in a constructive way, it can serve as our motivators to push through in achieving what we want or even do more because we admire others who are able to get to where we want to see ourselves in a span of time. So we make them as our inspiration to motivate us in succeeding too. However, in most cases, a person gets consumed by his/her envy and jealousy. Instead of developing it to admiration and inspiration, it becomes anger and hatred. And sadly family members are not an exception. Many may be opposed to this but in fact envy and jealousy are pretty common among families and relatives. Normally they don’t show it, hypocrisy is the common practice. They may show you happiness and support for your success but deep within them are their insecurities that is developing to an overwhelming envy and jealousy where covetousness is likely to flare-up. Nevertheless, there are really those who have pure intentions and are really happy for a family member’s success.

In most cases due to envy and jealousy without apparent forethought the family members are silently developing rivalry with each other. It is sad because you are related by blood and you are supposed to be in unity and harmony since you are affiliated by consanguinity. You are supposed to be happy in supporting and helping each other heartily and not just in hypocrisy. There are several factors contributing to envy and jealousy among family members, some of which are the rivalry developed over time from frequent comparisons of one family member to another. Another is the competition as to who is better especially when they start bragging to each other, counting the things they have made and are about to achieve more. There is also the literal show off of their wealth and fortune through their material possessions. Showing off is a person’s choice of expressing pride, contentment or joy to another person but if conveyed with the intent to belittle others, humiliate, disparage or underestimate, it will be provoking.

However, not all envy and jealousy was provoked by the person who happens to be in a fortunate state. There are instances where unknowingly we have detractors from among people who happen to dislike us for whatever reasons we may or may not be aware of. These people are usually the ones who will try to find anything that can possibly damage or discredit us hence; they are also the first ones to find out the good news in our life. There comes a time that no matter how we try to keep a low profile from everyone, a thing just unfolds to others on its own in ways we least expect. Here, clearly there is no ill intention because the truth has been known not only from the person concerned but from other means. Envy and jealousy was not provoked rather developed in those who can’t help but feel bitter because of someone’s achievements. And the more good things and wonderful occurrences they find out about the person, the more they become hostile because they have been consumed by their envy and jealousy.

Notice that when a person does not feel good to you, everything you do is interpreted maliciously regardless of how good your intentions may be. It is because they are trying to find faults in you to use against you. Little do they know that it is stressful and heartbreaking to humble yourself more in trying to reach them yet the efforts are not appreciated rather taken badly every time. It is more distressing and difficult with family members because of the fact that you are affiliated by blood and you have certain expectations from your affiliation which may not be met because of envy and jealousy. So just imagine if you live near each other, you get to see each other all the time, you have more chances to talk and spend time with each other hence it also gives more opportunity for envy and jealousy to likely happen because you get to know and see for yourself what’s new with each other; the things that the other possesses and purchase, the achievements and lifestyles… etc. Seeing more good things happening to another person or family member, one can’t help but feel insecure sometimes with the things that others are able to attain and contribute to the family compared to them. These insecurities if not controlled sooner in the event envy and jealousy will slowly consume the individual’s values and sense of affinity which will dramatically create distance among family members and deteriorate the relationship before they know it. In time it will feel like though they may be physically near yet they seem so far apart from each other. Just think about it, if the occasional family gatherings which rarely happen in a year where almost all family members are present and talks about the recent happenings in their lives, upcoming plans, accomplishments and projects can start jealousy and envy within some family members, what more when you actually live near each other?

A person who succumbs to envy and jealousy is like a rotten tomato that when placed with the good ones will rot them too. They are like bacteria that is decaying everyone around them to go against the person they are envious and jealous of. While on the other hand, a person with a right mind will try not to provoke such by humbling himself/herself and by keeping a low profile. Know that an envious and jealous person can be dangerous because they are capable of treachery even if they are your family.

-          Lizzy Grace E. Johnson

LGJ, August 2011

 

Perhaps it is best not to open up about your

blessings for the mean time unless asked about it.

Let it unfold and be known to others on its own.

But if you hardly could keep it,

at least make it a point not to sound so boastful.

- LGJ

 

A person succumb by envy and jealousy is like

a rotten tomato that when placed with the good ones

will rot them too.

- LGJ

 

Know that an envious and jealous person

can be dangerous because they are capable of

treachery even if they are a family.

- LGJ

Blood Is Thicker Than Water

The family is said to be the basic unit of society. It is where life begins. It is the foundation of a person’s being. Family is a person’s pillar of strength; it gives one a sense of identity. That is why every person would want to know who their real family is, to give sense to their existence and feel complete as a person. However like any other individual, no family is perfect. Even conventional families have their flaws which some members feel uncomfortable with. I guess it depends on how the head of the family manages the household and each member therein. The kind of family that an individual has is shown by how the individual presents himself/herself to others and how each member of the family behaves reflects the heads of the family. That is why parents are a bit uptight and strict most of the time because as much as possible they want to establish a good name for the family in order to be respected by others. Hence, they try to guide every member of the family in doing what is considered acceptable to maintain that good name. However let’s not be misled, each one of us does not necessarily have to be wealthy or powerful with might of strength in positions, status quo or weapons to be respected. Respect is not imposed or required but earned. We will be respected even as an ordinary individual if we earn the respect of others. All we need to do is respect ourselves and respect others as much as we want to be respected because “respect begets respect”.

It may not come as a surprise to know that there are family members who do not see the importance of respect within the family and for the family. When members of the family are being admonished for their actions that seem inappropriate they feel like they are being deprived of their joy without even stopping for a moment to think of how their actions and decisions may affect the family. In most cases people take their families for granted. Maybe because they feel like they have been with them their whole life since birth and since it is where they were molded as the person they have become to this day, they feel like they are in a cell with set of rules to follow and expectations to meet thereby suppressing their freedom of expression and will to do what they feel like doing to attain their hopes, dreams and ambitions for themselves. Each one of us is gifted with intelligence and freewill from which our rights and duties are delivered. That is why at some point we dream for ourselves and we make decisions for ourselves, we create our goals and objectives from our minds for us to follow on our journey to life – one of the reasons why at some point some try to break rules and deviate from the norms because they see it as a hindrance to their ambitions and goals. This could also be the reason behind why at a certain time in our lives we need to be on our own to become independent so we can make a life of our own. But this occasion does not entail leaving and forgetting your family. It just means that we, at some point will have to make a life of our own and maybe eventually make a family of our own too to add to the expanding family tree; to pass on the family legacy; the family name and the values as well as knowledge inculcated to us by our forefathers.

Each family has its own identity. Like any other individual, every family has its own set of qualities and characteristics that are distinctive. Although some are not the conventional type of family we may most likely picture in our mind, what is important is the home they make for every member. A home is where the family lives together harmoniously. A house cannot be a home unless there is harmony among the occupants within it, otherwise a house will only be a structure for a supposed home. If a person feels without a home that implies they are experiencing a problem within their family or household and it will manifest in the person’s personality and way of thinking. The foundation of an individual’s values is from the family an individual comes from or belongs with. So it is not surprising that many define a person based on his/her family background although we make our own identity at some point and as an individual we have our own authenticity yet the shadow of our family remains with us not just in our name but in our personality as well. True that not all families are ideal or soothing to our liking but it is not for us to discriminate. We may not have the privilege of choosing our family to begin with; at least we could be grateful for the opportunity of life they had given us. And with that gift of life given to us, we have the opportunity in our lifetime to use our freewill to pass on or make a difference for the coming generations of our family line. Experience is the best teacher. We learn from our experiences. So from our different experiences in our family we determine right from wrong, good and bad, appropriate and inappropriate ways to nurture and rear a better and wonderful family we can share and be proud of. We may not have a perfect family but at least we can aspire to have a better one.

Needless to say I guess, but no matter what or how our family may be, they are still part of our life. We may not see each other eye to eye or agree with each other’s faults and opinions as well as ways all the time yet they are literally part of us because we have the same blood line. We are affiliated by consanguinity. And blood is thicker than water so no matter what we may become one day, we will always see our family. Although we may not always earn their approval and sympathy to our cause, we know that they will always be there for us when we fall. Even the meanest person on earth is still acknowledged by his/her family, no matter how every member of the family may want to disown him/her for whatever crime he/she may have committed that blemishes the name of the family without integrity and bad credibility, still they can never deny the fact that the person is part of the family.

On the other hand, our family is our refuge and strength. Notice that when a person feels alone because everyone has turned their back and closes their doors, the family will always be the ones that a person will seek refuge for comfort and strength to face trials and stand again after every fall. Maybe because we know well that they will always be there for us and the fact that we are family is something that is binding for life. When we are down and troubled (especially when broke), we always turn to our family for assistance and comfort. Sometimes, just the thought of knowing that they are there already brings comfort. Much more when they show their support and we feel their presence and love in every way, even just in the most simple ways bring not only comfort but ease, peace and joy making us feel better a bit even at our most troubled times. Yet families are taken for granted. Many keep things from their families. Nevertheless, despite the fact that the family is mostly the last to know a member’s skeleton they never turn their back even if it pains them to know. Though there are those who seem tough and hard, I think they just want their family members to know their feelings and perhaps try to change them to their preference but regardless what, they are still willing to accept “the prodigal son” in time. While in some cases they just want their family members to learn the hard way, to really inculcate in their hearts and mind the lesson from the compromising situation they got themselves into. Nevertheless, their being hard has its limitations because I think they can only do until when they still see that they can still pick you up when the circumstances gets worst where you just keep stumbling and fall. Only a person without a heart that is apathetic who will not be moved to act upon a family member’s cry because of the pain and trouble they are going through. As individuals we are not perfect, we all make mistakes. Though we are entitled to our personal opinions and decisions, we are also responsible for the outcomes of our own actions. We cannot always rely on someone else to clean our mess; we have to learn to do it on our own too. At least we know that we have a family who is there for us no matter what. Hence, we will never be alone after all.

Know that we all have our share of responsibilities and contributions to make to our family be it big or small. We have to be aware that in whatever we do, it will always affect our family as well. Our pride is their pride as much as our shame is also their shame. Each member of the family has a role to perform in keeping the family healthy and strong as a unit. The roles may not necessarily be designated upon but eventually you find that out in every turn of events that unfolds over time. Regardless of how small your participation in the responsibilities may be, it is considerably significant otherwise you may not have to do it at all.

Let us not take our family for granted because they will always be the ones left for us when everyone else turns their back and closes their doors. So no matter what happens we should learn to take care of our family as much as our own selves. How every individual’s attitude towards their family says a lot about them as a person. We may not have a perfect family or at least the ideal family we wished for but what is important is the home we have with our family. A family in harmony is a family that is happy.

 

-          Lizzy Grace E. Johnson

LGJ, June 2011

 

 

 

Family is a person’s pillar of strength;
it gives one a sense of identity.
- LGJ

 

Like any other individual,
no family is perfect.

- LGJ

 

Our family is our refuge and strength.
- LGJ

 

Though we are entitled to our personal opinions and decisions,
we are also responsible for the outcomes of our own actions.
We cannot always rely on someone else to clean our mess;
we have to learn to do it on our own too.
- LGJ

 

A family in harmony is a family that is happy.
- LGJ

Forgive and Forget

“Time heals all wounds.”

“Forgive and forget.”

These lines are nothing new to our ear. We often hear these whenever a conversation or discussion involves individuals in conflict. However, is this really possible? Does it apply to all? Let me remind you of a fact that some wounds leave scars. Scars that will remind us of a wound that once was there; how it happened and when it happened as well as what we went through with it each day, the pain and trouble we had to bear no matter how much we want it taken away that instance to save us from further woe brought about by the injury.

As we may have observed, there are wounds that heal fast and there are those that heal slowly which is more distressing. There are shallow wounds and wounds that are deep enough for us to worry that it might not heal, but eventually it will heal just as the saying goes, “time heals all wounds”. There are wounds that are self healing while others need medicine to heal. With people, it’s not prescriptions but relationships, events and attitudes that help in the healing process. When we get hurt, we hardly can keep it to ourselves; more often than not we call on someone to talk to about it, cry on to or if you don’t feel like telling anyone that you’re hurt you simply call someone to be accompanied in your moment of silence, to be cheered during your down moment, to give you a big hug and hold your hand when you need it to ease the pain inside of you. And this someone comes from your relationships; they can either be from your family, friends, loved ones or just acquaintances. But just because you’re hurt does not mean that you can’t go out or do things around. Keeping the story of your pain to yourself is your prerogative but not enough reason to keep you from going out and associating, to experience other things that life can offer such as meeting new people, venturing into activities for fun and laughter, setting new goals and objectives or simply being preoccupied; to keep you busy instead of staying melancholic because you are hurt. Engaging ourselves in various activities that keep us preoccupied helps in diverting our attention on other things where we may have overlooked for some time or we least expect to be of significance rather than be hanging on the situation because of the wound inflicted. Of course it takes attitude to be able to bear the pain, stay rational and get through with it to complete its healing process. Courage, self-esteem and willpower among others are essential.

            In my view, I think it is only at the time that the wound is healed that we are ready to forgive but to say that forgiveness is followed by forgetting all that happened at the same time… well, some wounds leave scars.  

- Lizzy Grace E. Johnson

  LGJ, February 2011

True, that “time heals wounds…” but
“forgive and forget”?…
Let me remind you of a fact that some wounds leave scars.
Scars that will remind you of a wound that once was there;
how it happened and when it happened,
as well as the pain and trouble you went through with it.
- LGJ